The problem here is that I know exactly what I should do in this situation, I'm just consciously choosing not to do it. I'm deciding, with full knowledge of the consequences, to make the wrong decision. To do the wrong thing.
I am usually so good with self control, but this time I'm just doing the easy thing. I'm doing the thing that makes me feel less lonely and more comfortable, even though I realise it will probably leave me more alone in the end.
I think a large part of it may be because this is the first thing like this to happen in a very long time. Years. So yes, I am getting carried away as if it is the first time. I know I'm going to end up hurt, like every other time. Except this time is worse because I will end up with other people hurt too.
Why can't I just stop myself? Why can't I do the right thing, as I have forced myself to do in the past, and move on with my life? It's self-sabotage in one of the worst ways.
Why is no one stopping me?!